There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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