We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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