Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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