he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
