god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I look better un-naked...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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