I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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