I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
