he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
