I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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