he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
