im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
