Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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