i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
