so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
