Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He better not be in your backpack
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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