My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
