Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
