I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
