I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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