You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I want her autograph on my taint
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
