i already hear my dad disowning me
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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