I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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