No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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