Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Such a big mess for such a small penis
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
