Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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