I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize