I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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