He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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