i will never coherently bang her
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
