Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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