I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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