hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
We got so high we made milksteak
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize