If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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