At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Randomize
