Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
