my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
