McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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