You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
