I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
