Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
