Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
