Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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