Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
