I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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