She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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