i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
