im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
