even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Don't tell me you're on acid again
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
