my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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