i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
