In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
