your parents love me but you hate me
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
