Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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