He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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