I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
