I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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