Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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