I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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