I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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