They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
