I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
