Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
