I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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