just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
