was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
