We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
